Only villans live on volcanoes.

If you are familiar with Pokemon, you would know of one called Ditto. It transforms and learns its foe’s abilities, using it to its advantage. A flexible yet vulnerable Pokemon. Its flexibility also being its weakness, this Pokemon can never acquire the same strength as its enemy.

Like Ditto, I have absorbed a lot of the people I have been surrounded by. At heart, I have always been the sweet Ditto that looks funny and cannot attack. I would need to use the ability to transform as it would to defend myself.

Defend. Today this word has a different meaning than it used to. I spent many years feeling as if I was attacked. It has caused me to lose many people I care about. But I had lost trust in people. Mainly because the people I was supposed to trust let me down early in life and sometimes throughout.

If I mentioned what happened in my past, many would wonder how I am not a villain living in a volcano. While I have no intention of becoming a villain, I did/am considering a home on the side of Mauna Loa. Who knows? One day you may get to read about it.

I have experienced traumas that no human should have to go through. Ones so bad, it had me questioning my mortality.

I became melancholic and was no longer in control.

I needed to talk to someone, but I felt no one was available. Moreover, I felt there was nowhere for me to turn. I think I called Florida’s 211 number, which connected me over to the veteran’s crisis line. I was dealing with a panic attack, but I didn’t know it. After all, I had never had one before. After talking with the crisis rep, I tried to carry on. But, things were different.

Memories of my past started to surface, the depth of my heartbreak settled in, and the realization of failure became overwhelming. I became melancholic and was no longer in control. Taking a back seat and watching as it all raged on, I sought help after I found myself thinking of ending it all.

I checked myself into the VA hospital and received help. After making sure I wasn’t going to do anything rash, they set me up with a counselor and psychiatrist. With help, I was able to begin to get the demons out. I remember it all boiling down to one question. The question that made me start to think. If you could change one thing to be in a better place, what would it be? I realized then I had no control over the past, but I do over today.

The final straw

Even knowing the answer to the question, I still tried my best to push on. Until one day, I received a call while at work. I was told that my brother had passed in an accident. Anger, sorrow, and hatred all started to fester in my mind. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I left work and drove quite a distance without realizing it. When I did, I pulled over and tried to collect myself. 2021 was destroying everything.

The VA allowed me FMLA to deal with everything going on. My job, however, didn’t show any care. I had just come back from my brother’s memorial. I received two calls while on my way there from my then-boss. They were not to check how I was doing rather see how soon I could come back in. After he asked HR to call me for the third call, I decided a decision needed to be made.

My life out here is better than it was before. Even when things go wrong, I am pretty happy. I hope you can find your happiness. And I hope my experiences help you.

If you or anyone you know are having a mental health emergency call 911. If you feel you need assistance with your mental health and may become suicidal visit the national suicide prevention lifeline or call 1-800-273-8255.