Who am I?
Only villans live on volcanoes.
If you are familiar with Pokemon, you would know of one called Ditto. It transforms and learns its foe’s abilities, using it to its advantage. A flexible yet vulnerable Pokemon. Its flexibility also being its weakness, this Pokemon can never acquire the same strength as its enemy.
Like Ditto, I have absorbed a lot of the people I have been surrounded by. At heart, I have always been the sweet Ditto that looks funny and cannot attack. I would need to use the ability to transform as it would to defend myself.
Defend. Today this word has a different meaning than it used to. I spent many years feeling as if I was attacked. It has caused me to lose many people I care about. But I had lost trust in people. Mainly because the people I was supposed to trust let me down early in life and sometimes throughout.
If I mentioned what happened in my past, many would wonder how I am not a villain living in a volcano. While I have no intention of becoming a villain, I did/am considering a home on the side of Mauna Loa. Who knows? One day you may get to read about it.
I have experienced traumas that no human should have to go through. Ones so bad, it had me questioning my mortality.
How did I come to make this site?
One night was all it took. I laid down, near thoughtless, in the back of my car. I was admiring the stars through the window of the glass roof. Seemingly at the speed of light and out of nowhere, I became overwhelmed.
I always give the analogy describing my mind as a 1-gallon bucket. What tried to fill that bucket was 5 gallons of ice. Things were out of control in an instance. Tears started to flow down my face, and I didn’t know why.
I became melancholic and was no longer in control.
I needed to talk to someone, but I felt no one was available. Moreover, I felt there was nowhere for me to turn. I think I called Florida’s 211 number, which connected me over to the veteran’s crisis line. I was dealing with a panic attack, but I didn’t know it. After all, I had never had one before. After talking with the crisis rep, I tried to carry on. But, things were different.
Memories of my past started to surface, the depth of my heartbreak settled in, and the realization of failure became overwhelming. I became melancholic and was no longer in control. Taking a back seat and watching as it all raged on, I sought help after I found myself thinking of ending it all.
I checked myself into the VA hospital and received help. After making sure I wasn’t going to do anything rash, they set me up with a counselor and psychiatrist. With help, I was able to begin to get the demons out. I remember it all boiling down to one question. The question that made me start to think. If you could change one thing to be in a better place, what would it be? I realized then I had no control over the past, but I do over today.
The final straw
Even knowing the answer to the question, I still tried my best to push on. Until one day, I received a call while at work. I was told that my brother had passed in an accident. Anger, sorrow, and hatred all started to fester in my mind. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I left work and drove quite a distance without realizing it. When I did, I pulled over and tried to collect myself. 2021 was destroying everything.
The VA allowed me FMLA to deal with everything going on. My job, however, didn’t show any care. I had just come back from my brother’s memorial. I received two calls while on my way there from my then-boss. They were not to check how I was doing rather see how soon I could come back in. After he asked HR to call me for the third call, I decided a decision needed to be made.
A new beginning
It was time for me to go.
I needed to find a way to live, not exist. I was still overwhelmed, and with everything going on, I put in my two weeks then hit the open road. It took me driving through three states to find myself again.
On the way, I decided to start writing about it. Would I choose this path again? Well, I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner.
My life out here is better than it was before. Even when things go wrong, I am pretty happy. I hope you can find your happiness. And I hope my experiences help you.
If you or anyone you know are having a mental health emergency call 911. If you feel you need assistance with your mental health and may become suicidal visit the national suicide prevention lifeline or call 1-800-273-8255.
Driving the Vegas Loop Tunnels for the Boring Company
Climbing my first mountain at Red Rocks, NV
Capturing a UFO flying in my picture on Mt. Charleston
Seeing Area 51 In-person
Our Core Values
Live life and have no regrets
Follow your heart
Have one hell of a ride